Wow, its been three months since my last post. Time flies when you are in lock down! Not really but you all know that already. Well these past three months have not been eventful by any means. I did take a trip with my amazing sister s a graduation present. We went to the filming … Continue reading Burying My Head in the Sand
I am working from home, doing school from home and even interning from home. I only leave the house now to see family (those who are low risk and also isolated) and I get my groceries and food delivered. I am attending my Alanon meetings via video call, which is not the same and has been a big adjustment for everyone. Life has been changed a lot and I have been learning so much about myself.
I focus on doing the next right thing. One foot in front of the other. Never really taking my eyes off the next step, except to occasionally check the map to ensure I am going in the right direction. .
But then I also have to laugh, because all I am doing is exactly what is in the quote. I am comparing my lot to others; my ex husband, Him, and the fairy tale magical lives of the women in the romantic comedies I have watched my whole life. This comparison has made me feel the "oh whoa is me's" at an alarmingly high level. I am like an indignant child digging my heels in and standing out in the cold rain despite my parents telling me to come in lest I freeze to death, because I seen it in a movie and it was supposed to be fun to play in the rain.
Not a lot of tangible changes were made, but so many internal struggles were fought and won, and even more self progress was made. Here is a look at what this year has meant for me.
When I think about it I don't have a deep relationship with anyone, and I have never really been good at these sort of details. I always thought it was because I was weird and unsure of the social cues, but I am beginning to think it is subconsciously intentional. Like my deeper self knows that by not remembering this information I am not going to get close to someone and therefore they cannot hurt me when inevitably things don't work out and they leave me.
Let me be very honest for a second. I have NEVER dated. My childhood consisted of being someones girlfriend always. Like for reals... I had a boyfriend since Kindergarten. In second grade I had a dinner date on roller blades with a boyfriend I had for several months. I cheated on my third grade boyfriend with another third grader.
At the meeting I did not share with anyone how I was feeling and left the meeting feeling more lonely that before. I started to have that negative self talk going "no one cares about you", "don't bother telling anyone what is up they wont care", "just call your best friend and tell her you are sorry, you aren't special or worthy enough to be expecting friends that treat you with mutual respect". I heard this over and over in my head and I nearly began to believe it.
It is hard realizing that that means that my old friendships may be affected. But it is ok. I know today that I have a Higher Power that always takes care of me. That I always am ok and sometimes better than OK.
I am so proud of all the progress i have made and so grateful to my family, friends, and Alanon family for loving me, pushing me, and being there for me through all this.