Fast forward two and half months, and he and I have continued to spend nearly every day together. In the beginning we were both clear that the hook up would be a one time deal, and would involve no feelings whatsoever. We both agreed that neither was interested in finding love or getting into a serious relationship. The hard part is that he and I click.
Well it has been some time since I have written. I am still going through the motions and living life the best I can. I work a lot, and when I am not at work I am out with friends, spending time with family, or on a date. I still think about my ex pretty … Continue reading Finding Balance
Since then I have started to see one guy quite often and have been having a great time, spending time with him and getting to know myself.
Finally we were called up (the last couple) and sat in front of the judge. He smiled at us, and said “I have been watching you two all afternoon, smiling and having a great time, are you SURE you want to go through with this?” My ex and I looked at each other and laughed and nodded at the judge
So much of my identity is not only wrapped up in him, but in simply being married. Being one part of a unit and having to constantly consider another person.
I don’t know why I did it, but I will continue to examine what happened and my motives for allowing it to take place. Unfortunately now, I feel that most of the progress I had made is gone.
The day came and I was filled with dread all day. I tried over and over all day to distract my mind, to change my thoughts from negative to positive, and to pray that I could get through the event with dignity and grace.
This shows up in my inability to let other people in my space, being unable to remember peoples names, not liking personal touch or hugging, and using humor to deflect when I feel like people are seeing me too deeply.
I felt all the bad things about myself that for years you told me weren’t true because how could they be if you loved me so much. Seeing you today, so handsome and smelling good like when we first met, my heart aches.
I use to think that I couldn't break my life down into days. I spent so much time obsessing about the future or feeling guilty about my past that I felt like I was taking on years at a time.