A better map

This is not a diet or exercise blog, but this is part of my journey. And because of my divorce and my continued journey out of chaos and codependency I am finally making real progress in yet another major area of my life. I cannot explain just what this journey of recovery has done for me, but every day I am amazed by just how life changing it has been.

So much change yet so little progress

Well it has been nearly two months since my last post and there is very little to report in terms of progress. I feel more lost than ever. The biggest change is that I moved into an apartment with my mother. She was living in a one bedroom as was I and we decided to … Continue reading So much change yet so little progress

Isolation and self reflection

I am working from home, doing school from home and even interning from home. I only leave the house now to see family (those who are low risk and also isolated) and I get my groceries and food delivered. I am attending my Alanon meetings via video call, which is not the same and has been a big adjustment for everyone. Life has been changed a lot and I have been learning so much about myself.

Self pity

But then I also have to laugh, because all I am doing is exactly what is in the quote. I am comparing my lot to others; my ex husband, Him, and the fairy tale magical lives of the women in the romantic comedies I have watched my whole life. This comparison has made me feel the "oh whoa is me's" at an alarmingly high level. I am like an indignant child digging my heels in and standing out in the cold rain despite my parents telling me to come in lest I freeze to death, because I seen it in a movie and it was supposed to be fun to play in the rain. 

Intimacy and Trust

When I think about it I don't have a deep relationship with anyone, and I have never really been good at these sort of details. I always thought it was because I was weird and unsure of the social cues, but I am beginning to think it is subconsciously intentional. Like my deeper self knows that by not remembering this information I am not going to get close to someone and therefore they cannot hurt me when inevitably things don't work out and they leave me.  


Let me be very honest for a second. I have NEVER dated. My childhood consisted of being someones girlfriend always. Like for reals... I had a boyfriend since Kindergarten. In second grade I had a dinner date on roller blades with a boyfriend I had for several months. I cheated on my third grade boyfriend with another third grader.

Finding beauty in the mundane

At the meeting I did not share with anyone how I was feeling and left the meeting feeling more lonely that before. I started to have that negative self talk going "no one cares about you", "don't bother telling anyone what is up they wont care", "just call your best friend and tell her you are sorry, you aren't special or worthy enough to be expecting friends that treat you with mutual respect". I heard this over and over in my head and I nearly began to believe it.