In the past year I quit smoking, logged over 150 miles of exercise, completed half my masters degree, took my first solo road trip, got two promotions, created a new job position for myself, and paid off all my credit cards. I dont think I would have accomplished any of this If i had stayed married
My inability to be grateful for what I do have. My comparison of my life against everyone else around me. I realized today that despite living alone, I still have to do laundry, dishes, shopping, budget, and many other menial tasks that I despise. This did not change when I became single.
I continue to work at digging up the damaged roots of my past, that continue to crack my foundation. Every day I make tiny baby steps toward recognizing my value and my worth outside the opinion of others.
I am happy. I am not excited all the time or wrapped up in other's drama, but I am content. I am finding joy in the mundane and the simplicity of my life. I am challenging myself daily to do more and be better and that is enough excitement for now.
I am doing a lot of self improvement and have been for the last month and seven days. But I am bored. I am uninspired. I see the world in a greyish hue. I cant think of the last time I felt my heart race with excitement.
I am never the girl that gets chased. The girl they will do anything for. The girl that blows their mind, rocks their world, or changes their hearts. This makes me think that I am simple, plain, unimportant, boring, bland, etc. That hurts even more.
11 days ago was the last time I laid next to a man and felt that nothing in this world could hurt me because He was there holding me. The minute He moved the pain, sadness, and fear all welled up again. See that is how it is with me. Unless I have a man holding me, I feel terrified, lonely, ugly, worthless, useless, and disgusting.
This has led me to make the decision to be celibate and truly single for all of 2019. I have no intention on dating anyone, casually or otherwise, and plan to engage in no sexual activities with others. I am hopeful that this will give me a change of perspective and I will learn a lot about myself too.
I want to wake up and feel like I am enough. That I matter, even if no one else says so or thinks so. I want to feel important and know that the qualities that I have are great and my weaknesses are there for a reason and help make me who I am, and that one day someone will love all of me.
Amazingly, I have been living on my own successfully for over a year!!!! I was thinking about that fact the other day, and cannot believe it. All those years spent in doubt that I could leave my husband and make it on my own, financially, and emotionally, and here I am, living proof it can be done.