A better map

This is not a diet or exercise blog, but this is part of my journey. And because of my divorce and my continued journey out of chaos and codependency I am finally making real progress in yet another major area of my life. I cannot explain just what this journey of recovery has done for me, but every day I am amazed by just how life changing it has been.

Isolation and self reflection

I am working from home, doing school from home and even interning from home. I only leave the house now to see family (those who are low risk and also isolated) and I get my groceries and food delivered. I am attending my Alanon meetings via video call, which is not the same and has been a big adjustment for everyone. Life has been changed a lot and I have been learning so much about myself.

Self pity

But then I also have to laugh, because all I am doing is exactly what is in the quote. I am comparing my lot to others; my ex husband, Him, and the fairy tale magical lives of the women in the romantic comedies I have watched my whole life. This comparison has made me feel the "oh whoa is me's" at an alarmingly high level. I am like an indignant child digging my heels in and standing out in the cold rain despite my parents telling me to come in lest I freeze to death, because I seen it in a movie and it was supposed to be fun to play in the rain. 

Intimacy and Trust

When I think about it I don't have a deep relationship with anyone, and I have never really been good at these sort of details. I always thought it was because I was weird and unsure of the social cues, but I am beginning to think it is subconsciously intentional. Like my deeper self knows that by not remembering this information I am not going to get close to someone and therefore they cannot hurt me when inevitably things don't work out and they leave me.  

Dating…ugh…

Let me be very honest for a second. I have NEVER dated. My childhood consisted of being someones girlfriend always. Like for reals... I had a boyfriend since Kindergarten. In second grade I had a dinner date on roller blades with a boyfriend I had for several months. I cheated on my third grade boyfriend with another third grader.