At the meeting I did not share with anyone how I was feeling and left the meeting feeling more lonely that before. I started to have that negative self talk going "no one cares about you", "don't bother telling anyone what is up they wont care", "just call your best friend and tell her you are sorry, you aren't special or worthy enough to be expecting friends that treat you with mutual respect". I heard this over and over in my head and I nearly began to believe it.
It is hard realizing that that means that my old friendships may be affected. But it is ok. I know today that I have a Higher Power that always takes care of me. That I always am ok and sometimes better than OK.
I am so proud of all the progress i have made and so grateful to my family, friends, and Alanon family for loving me, pushing me, and being there for me through all this.
Mostly what I mourn is the loss of faith in love. I really thought my husband and I were special. That our love was unbreakable. That he cared for me more than himself and that there was nothing that could keep him from me. But I was wrong. I am learning that humans are not capable of being completely selfless and giving unconditional love especially if they themselves are not healthy and whole. So for now I think of him when it is safe. I pray for him and her daily and truly hope that that he finds happiness. Just not before me. 🙂
In the past year I quit smoking, logged over 150 miles of exercise, completed half my masters degree, took my first solo road trip, got two promotions, created a new job position for myself, and paid off all my credit cards. I dont think I would have accomplished any of this If i had stayed married
My inability to be grateful for what I do have. My comparison of my life against everyone else around me. I realized today that despite living alone, I still have to do laundry, dishes, shopping, budget, and many other menial tasks that I despise. This did not change when I became single.
I continue to work at digging up the damaged roots of my past, that continue to crack my foundation. Every day I make tiny baby steps toward recognizing my value and my worth outside the opinion of others.
I am happy. I am not excited all the time or wrapped up in other's drama, but I am content. I am finding joy in the mundane and the simplicity of my life. I am challenging myself daily to do more and be better and that is enough excitement for now.
I am doing a lot of self improvement and have been for the last month and seven days. But I am bored. I am uninspired. I see the world in a greyish hue. I cant think of the last time I felt my heart race with excitement.
I am never the girl that gets chased. The girl they will do anything for. The girl that blows their mind, rocks their world, or changes their hearts. This makes me think that I am simple, plain, unimportant, boring, bland, etc. That hurts even more.