I use to think that I couldn't break my life down into days. I spent so much time obsessing about the future or feeling guilty about my past that I felt like I was taking on years at a time.
My gut felt a gnawing pain that would not go away. My body was shaking, I was hot and cold all over at the same time, and I felt nauseous. It is the first time I can say I ever had the gnawing thought that life was no longer worth living.
I lost it. I cried several times that day, and I couldnt for the life of me figure out why I felt so terrible. Later I called a friend and we dissected the conversation and the possible underlying issues and found some interesting connections. As I said I gave up validation from men, but that doesnt mean I gave up needing validation.
I found myself believing in my core that if I was just better, nicer, prettier, sexier, smarter, stronger, etc. that he would love me enough to stay committed
I wake up the next day feeling used, dirty, and unworthy. This leads to me getting angry again and starting the cycle all over.
Even though I tell them I am not looking for a serious relationships all dating requires time and attention, and right now I do not have it to give. I have a hard enough time getting out of bed most days, much less getting dressed up to impress a guy I have no desire to impress, other than the fact that I NEED his praise and approval for my own validation.
I have these gifts, not in spite of the tragedy, but because of the tragedy. I have been perfectly woven together by my scraps to become a quilt capable of covering others with love, kindness, and understanding.
For a long time I have been taught that what I feel, see, and experience is wrong. Growing up my mother, without meaning to, led me to believe that what I felt was too much or incorrect in some way.
I let it wash over me and I felt every bit of the sadness, fear, tiredness, anger, and so much more. I told myself it's ok to fall apart during the biggest most scary transition of my life.
Then she looks up and she is me. Older, sadder, heavier, angrier, and miserable. Unable to remember the last time I felt real joy or if anyone would notice if I stopped trying anymore.